A Taste of Reality

I think I'm a bit selfish with my blog. It's almost always "me" stuff, instead of "we", "them" or any other thing. But again, I once promised to myself that I'll only be writing for my own pleasure. This means topics that don't interest me, or the things that I don't like writing about will not be covered in my writings. But sometimes I feel like breaking this rule I have set for myself. This is kinda annoying, and freakish to some, but I have been a man of standards. Quite a long time ago, a person very close to me told that I have set some standards or ways of life for myself, from which I never break out. This is not good news, cause I've never wanted to be considered an adamant and bigoted person.

What should a person do at 2 AM, knowing that he has to wake up at 6 AM? He should definitely go to bed. But I don't feel sleepy at all, because I slept up to 2:3o PM in the day.

It was in 2001, right? Yeah, 4 years have passed since the fateful day. Worldly events does affect us, no matter how far we are living and how much different our lives are. September 11 did affect our lives. But it'd be dishonest of me if I say that it changed things totally. I was sad for the people who died, and I felt hatred towards the people whom allegedly took part in the massacre. But that's it. I was anxious to know about my relatives living there, and also about a few irc pals, but that's pretty much it. Maybe I'm being too much pessimistic, or maybe I'm being an ass as well. But yes, it doesn't matter much even if hundreds or thousands of people are dying in US, London, or any other place.

I didn't experience a death before year 2000. Not that of anyone I knew well. Till then, each and every death news would make me sad, and depressed. I'd spend some of my time mourning, and sometimes even praying for the departed souls of the people who were dying every day, in different parts of the world and for those who were lucky(!) enough to make it to the papers.

But I didn't really know how death looked like until my grandmother died. She was an old woman, but she was in full wit and sense, even on the day before her death. She had to be hospitalized due to physical ailments, but it never looked like a life-taking illness. I won't get in to the details as it'd make me all emotional and ruin this writing, but the experience was bitter, and the incident left its marks in to me.

That was the first turning point. The rosy picture of life started to get substituted by the dark and frozen images of death.

It got even worse when my maternal uncle died in 2003. 2 years, and it still feels like a few days ago. By then, I've become totally indifferent towards death. If a full-of-life 39 year old person can die so easily, anyone can die anytime. This is the truth. This doesn't mean that I am always thinking about death, but I know that it can happen anytime. So there's two perspectives operating here. As I can die anytime, I should not put in much effort in to this life. Well why should I?

But the other perspective is more appealing. As time is short, I should try and get the most out of it. Always taking things to the next level--hell yeah! That's the thing to do. But I can't say that I don't hold myself back at times when the thought strikes me--"What's the point of all this rushing and panicking? Isn't life too short to go that fast?".

I am indeed a loser. Trying to bury the inner lackings under the guise of frickle arguments like "life is too short".

Oh God...I talk too much.

Honestly speaking, I didn't read through the whole news regarding the bomb blasts in UK. I didn't read the Tsunami news either. Why? Cause death is natural. One way or other, it is going to happen. Not even the strongest forces of this material world can delay a death. This is all old information, nothing new or revolutionary. I do agree to the fact that one has no right in accelerating the inevitable process by getting himself involved in to it. That is, the guys who were flying the planes over Japan had no right to drop the nukes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Similarly, the hijackers had no right in crashing the plane in to the World Trade Center.

But it happened. Maybe it was meant to happen in this fashion. I once read about an interesting movement by a renowned actor of this country. The main theme of the movement was "I want to die a natural death, not one through a road accident". Isn't this a bit too much dramatic? I agree and admit, it'd be all too good if there were no road accidents. But does it really make any difference? A crippled corpse and a hospital-bed-dead corpse is all the same--both are corpse. My mama died off a road accident, and part of his body was seriously crippled during the process. It took me a lot of toughness and perhaps idiocy also to refrain myself from crying; after seeing the dead body. But would it make any freaking difference if he died in a hospital, out of ailment? The fact is, he is no more there to talk about leadership skills, the voice of Pail McCartney, how his baby child is not growing up as a smart kid, how he loved Romel's voice and how much he liked Bangladeshi food.

My mother would cry a lot after his death. She'd say all the time "My brother must have gone through a lot of pain". Sigh...pain or no pain, it's a death. It doesn't make any difference.

I am being a very unpleasant and rude person, but please don't ask me if I'm sad because some bomb blast in some prosperous capital of some ex-collonial power had killed a lot of apparently innocent people. I have my own deaths to mourn about.