I think I am finally losing it. All the things that could make me feel good are slipping away from me. I guess it's time to change my outlook towards life, once again.
There is one thing that people don't often do. What is this thing? It is the action of "seeing things from other's perspective". If people did practice this, relationships would have been a lot easier to maintain.
I always tried giving the best to my near and dear ones, but very often they misunderstood me. And also, I almost never got back what I gave. Okay, I never really expect the same amount of return as I give, but at least I deserve to get something, don't I?
Today was a weird day at office. I stayed there till almost 9 PM, and yet I failed to get a single thing done. This is really amazing. I am having concentration problems again. Not that I hate my job, or my boss is bad—but something is definitely not right. I think I am losing my motivation to work.
I had a stupid fight with the whole family after returning from office. I am still bearing the load of that fight with me; I just can't sleep although it's 1:34 AM and I know I have to wake up at 8. I am constantly fighting myself. I have set myself a lot of objectives which my body and mind are not allowing me to fulfill. This is resulting in a constant conflict of interest, and I fear that my brain will get fried someday—just like my ex-graphics card.
I asked a cousin to give me two of his DVDs for a while, and he's been telling me for the last 6 months that he'll get them for me. The same cousin's been asking me for the same last 6 months when I am donating him my ex-graphics card. The fact is, the card didn't have warranty, but the shop told me that they might send it to the vendor and get a replacement. I didn't bother much, but I shared the story with the cousin. Now the cousin keeps on "following up" on me on a regular basis.
The worst feature of the corporate life is that unless you're really lucky, you'll have to screw others to go to the top. This is the raw, naked truth. If someone at par with you tries gaining an edge, you'll have to put a stop to it. Or else you'll see him stomping over your head and advancing.
I have a somewhat rosy outlook towards the world, and I don't really like to think about the ugly sides. But what happens when a close friends keeps on seeing the ugly side, only? That impacts you, and again the conflict of interest comes forward.
Why do I expect so much from myself? I wish I had a normal life. I wish I had no ambitions. I wish I could be happy only to have a decent job and satisfied parents. My parents are not happy with me and they never try to hide it. After a long day's work at office, which often ends at 9 PM, one doesn't wish to confront folks whom are always complaining about this and that. The same old story—"Everybody has jobs". I know everybody has jobs, and I also know most of them work harder than me. But this is me; I can't retain my 100% after returning from office. I am easily irritated, I demand and require peace of mind, I won't join the family to watch Indian Idol, and I won't for sure share each and every detail of my day's job with them. Are these too difficult things to ask for? I don't know.
I think half of my brain works like a 30-40 year old, while the other half is a lot younger than that. These two brains are fighting constantly. When I sneak out from office without informing the boss, the younger brain does that. But again I work my ass off for 7 consecutive days; staying at office till 9 everyday; just to prove that the department doesn't remain stagnant when the boss is on leave. That is when the older brain prevails.
Will I ever be able to establish a balance? Extremity is a common syndrome in my life. I have this dangerous habit of touching the extremes. In one semester, I got 3.8, and I also managed to get 2.25 GPA. I mean what the hell, if I can manage to get 3.8, what made me get 2.25? I, fall, I get up, I fall again...this is my life. This is the walk of life for me.
Things which I considered as inseparable, now needs to go. I need to let them go. They will be gone, and I will have no power to stop them. Dear ones will leave me, and I will remain as I am. Most of my cousins are settling abroad, and I am sure I will have fights with the ones whom will stay back. I will have fights over "who's turning on and off" the water machine, who's closing the gate, installing new gates, etc. I will become a boring person, and I will have the typical Bengali life.
Can I break this loop? Can I get out of this? Of course I can, and I hope to do so. Silly mundane stuff will not hold me back. It will be tough to let go of certain things, but I am sure I will be able to recover.
A few weeks back, we did an analysis of ourselves. By we, I mean my closest friend circle. One member was picked and we listed the positives and negatives of that person in turns. My friends said "I am damn impressive. I can impress anyone I wish to, and I have high persuading prowess". Now this is making me laugh, because I never managed to impress the other half to that extent that the impression goes to some other level.
Physical appearance my feet. I hate being judged by my looks, but most people use looks as the primary judging tool. Maybe I do the same, too. Can this be changed? Can I break the chain?
Anyways, I think I told this before. When I am in an agitated state, writing helps me release some tension and pressure.
It worked again. I am going to bed right now!
